I recently attended my metamour’s* birthday party, which was a sex party thrown and hosted by our mutual person. Leading up to the event I had many thoughts surrounding my invitation to the party: Do I want to go? Does my metamour want me there? Does my sweetie want me there? How comfortable are we all going to be in this situation? Will I know other people in attendance? Is it going to be weird if I see my sweetie and her partner having sex? Do I trust everyone to act respectfully?
Some of these questions were mine to sit with and answer on my own. Others were having to do with the actions and intentions of the other people involved. In the case of the latter, I can not know the deep inner workings of another human. If I trust the person, I take what they are telling me at face value. As I have been building relationships with my sweetie and my metamour for about a year now, I trust that neither will say something to me that they don’t mean, so it would stand to reason that if either of them did not want me there, they would not have invited me to the party. Just to be sure, I double checked that my invite was legit and my sweetie confirmed it so.
As far as acting respectfully, this question is subject to my boundaries, because what is off-putting for me may not be the same as what is off-putting for another person. In my 20 years of being vocally polyamorous (although I did not acquire the word “polyamory” until my early 20’s) I have witnessed all sorts of behavior across the board. This has lead me to the conclusion that there is not One True Way to do polyamory, just as there is no One True Way to have sex, be in a D/s relationship, or create a family. We are all unique human creatures with various wants & needs & desires and the best that we can hope for is to find other humans who’s desires are compatible with our own. If I don’t know what my personal desires are, it makes it way more difficult to interact with other people and not have my feelings hurt or boundaries stepped on.
Of course, some people are jerks. There are people who are miserable humans and want to see other folks suffer and will purposefully fuck with you because that is what they do for fun. Learn to identify these people and do not keep them around. In my experience, they often out themselves, sometimes in very direct ways, such as telling you that they are evil, they are always jealous, that they are rotten-to-the-core. (These 3 examples were all things that exes told me when we were together and I brushed off. Because how could those things be real?) Believe what people tell you about themselves.
As I am not dating a jerk, and my metamour is not a jerk, I can at least come to the conclusion that they both are coming from genuine places and would not hurt me on purpose. This is actually my main concern, so once I am able to vocalize for myself that my sweetie and her partner are “safe” people for me, I can approach the possibility of attending the sex party in the same way that I would decide to attend any other larger social event as an introvert with social anxiety.
Personal agency is key. Knowing I could leave the party whenever I wanted to if I wasn’t feeling the vibe was helpful. Also available to me was telling my sweetie if I was uncomfortable or something was wrong. I had options, and that made me feel more at ease. I wasn’t quite sure where my boundaries in this specific situation would be because I had never attended a birthday orgy for a metamour before, so I gave myself room to change my mind at any point during the event. That being said, I have attended sex parties for about 8 years now, so I do have some experience with this type of event.
Because it was my metamour’s birthday party, he would be the center of attention. Because my sweetie was the host/ coordinator, she would be busy with those duties and possibly with the birthday boy. Knowing and respecting these parameters was helpful for me in managing my expectations. Aside from my RSVP, I didn’t make any specific play plans with my sweetie or anyone else.
Early on in the evening, the attendees (about 40 people) went around the room to introduce ourselves with our names, pronouns, and any intentions we had for the night. A general idea of consent, ie. How to ask for something & How to hear “no” was laid out in the circle to set the tone for the evening. Then the birthday boy dropped his pants and anyone who wanted to was invited to give a birthday spank. After that people could disrobe at their discretion and find or make a situation for themselves.
I ate delicious tacos, chatted with new and old acquaintances, and admired the costumes of those who came dressed in theme. I got to peruse the impact toys that were generously brought and laid out to share at the party and talked a little shop with other Doms in attendance. Later I had a hot kinky scene with a person I had never played with before and after that I cuddled with my sweetie. Over the course of the evening I was both the exhibitionist and the voyeur. The overall vibe was Do Whatcha Wanna, just use your words and listen to the response. I left when I was sleepy and had hit my limit for socializing.
On my bike ride home I felt compersion** towards my sweetie and metamour. It felt good that I was invited to share in this evening with them. I was given the space to own my desires as would be relevant in the space and I felt cared for and respected by the people I had existing relationships with. I do not take for granted the work that we do to be good to one another. I am grateful to be in a relationship where I am considered. I genuinely want those whom I care about to be in other caring relationships and I don’t want this to be used as a reason to not build with me, too. I am happy to be around curious and caring people who are invested in themselves as well as the people around them.
I like that my life is pretty quiet and I can mostly focus on my work and hanging out with my dog. I also appreciate that I have the good fortune of being invited to my metamour’s birthday orgy and this is just woven into the fabric of the life I have been working on building. It has helped remind me that sex, art, and spirituality are my foundation. By being true to myself and seeking out people who support me and my endeavors, my life is full of abundance and people who want to have wholesomely debauched sex parties. Best wishes to us all and many more on the horizon!
*Metamour: The partner of one’s partner, with whom one does not share a direct sexual or romantic relationship.
**Compersion: The feeling of joy associated with seeing a loved one love another; contrasted with jealousy.
I think this piece was super helpful for navigating a hella complicated space. I have been in similar situations and found that making sure to surround yourself with people you trust is the most important step in confident and comfortable exploration. Thanks for sharing your experience.